"Malisud man ang pangaran mo Ser!"

That's the reaction I get when I showed this to my parent groups!  They find it difficult to pronounce and memorize BJORN!  I just told them to call me on the pronunciation they are comfortable with!  I guess my parents didn't realize that I will be a community worker because if they did, they would have given me a name that is simpler and easier to pronounce!

Carves

Beyond the friendship that we have is a love that silently beats

but pounding stronger and stronger as we become closer

Over the years that we've known each other, you've been my sanctuary

-- the force field that protects me from my storms

Sometimes, I lost sight of my tract but I always find you in the end

-- I hope we can be less complicated so that we can totally

enjoy the time that we are together

Stick with you that should I do and maybe someday,

we can be together, me as your Miss and you as my Boss

-- happy, in love and contended

I wish to write again…

I miss writing.

I miss thinking aloud.

I miss debating with my own judgment.

I miss exploring the influence of words.

I miss conveying my suppressed emotions.

I miss expressing myself with written words.

I miss having the time just to scribble random thoughts.

Christmas 2012: Wishlist!

Russ.

No, not Russ, but the shoes. :)

Since it's my only, I guess, material wish for my birthday that I received -- thanks to Tin and Riza -- but unfortunately, we got robbed and it's then only thing stolen, so this Christmas, I still want the same pair of shoes. It costs Php. 1,200+. AHAHAHAHAHA. I strongly feel that I can't have this, it's ok. Just refer to the next one, PLEASE! :D

Boyfriend.

Option 1:

Christian Grey!!! Need not say more! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

https://www.facebook.com/CEO.CG

Option 2

Mario Maurer!

Option 3:

I like the way you think. ;)

Armband.

Since I am health-conscious, I jog a lot. ahahaha. I wish to have an armband so that I wont have to hold my phone and coin purse while jogging.  Imagine me sweating myself with my phone on my hand and coin purse on the other. Hassle! 

Addicted to Love

Inspired by the Girl with a Green Scarf

Maybe I am wrong for saying this but I guess it is encrypted in our system as human beings to almost dwell on our id – the force that drives the self to focus on pleasure. Well, it’s my opinion and I have the PLEASURE to express it. We’re in a democratic country, aren't we?

Anyway, I just finished watching Shopaholic. Somehow, I can relate with Rebecca Bloomwood. She has issues with controlling herself when it comes to shopping that leads her to trouble. Well, before the movie ends, an idea of writing something came into my mind because I have issues too. She has problems with shopping and I have problems with loving.

It’s safe to assume that every one of us have issues to deal with, because if not, the social work profession is long gone. Maybe these issues might be as simple as self-esteem problems or as major as having psychosis. The point is, it really affects of role performance and in the long run, it can lead us to a dysfunctional state. So, it should be addressed immediately and the best start on addressing these issues is accepting its existence. 

But how can you fight the things that you think can make you happy and contented? Fighting your own urges is like depriving yourself with your own happiness. Don’t you think you’re being too harsh on yourself if you do that? Worse than super high temperature and the dwarf living in a white house, these are the evils that we need to combat everyday. We may not admit it but we know it ourselves that it is hard and more often than not, we chose to just indulge ourselves with what our id wants.

As to my case, for almost four years now, I have been too caught up with my love issues that made me forget other things that are more important than loving him. When I started with college, I was on top of our class, but I barely made it to college. I guess love is not for me because when I do, logic leaves me and that makes emotions be the driving force behind my actions. Letting it impair my better judgment.

I’m writing this not because I am bitter that it didn’t work out between the two of us. I’m writing this because I have to accept that if I want things to work out, I should not be too egocentric and stopped watching too many romantic movies. It’s time to take responsibility for my own actions, end my dreams of having a life like in the romantic movies I’ve seen and stop blaming him. He may be insensitive but I have been more insensitive to him. He may be unfair but have I been fair to him? I don’t know. I’ll leave the answer to him.

For all the quarrels that we had, I thought love was the issue but pondering on what he said on the last fight that we had and the last time that I heard from him, it’s the my immaturity. The problem was not the absence of care or love. The problem was me. As hurtful as it is, I accept that accusation.

I have always been asking for more and looking for the things he don't have. With that, I acted like an immature kid who has tantrums – egocentric and intolerable. While I was too busy looking for his fault, I didn't see that he was trying his best to understand me and bear with my difficult and unguarded behaviors. I was undermining him. He deserves an apology (to anyone who knows him, please tell him I am deeply sorry. I am not doing this to appeal to pity but I am doing this because I owe it to him).

Life is not always pretty but though it can’t always look so, it should not stop you to still appreciate the beauty behind all these ugliness. I guess he’s right, I over did things. When you do things in excess, the excess goes to waste. Now, I am paying the price of paying too much attention on his imperfections that made everything ugly. I cant’ blame him for not wanting to have any communication with him, I respect that.

Addicts have rehabs but The Louieholic has regrets. Not that I regret loving him. How could I regret loving the person who made the last four years of life an amazing journey of emotional roller coaster and a test of limits and maturity? The thing that I regret is failing the test of maturity.

I know I’ll be fine soon. I just need to live in reality, learn and grow.

Regression

           Scientific theories stated that human beings are once what we call now as ape, a mammalian animal.  As time goes by, changes occurred and evolution took place.

           Now, the apes are placed in the hierarchy of animals lower than human beings.  All of us are familiar on how this animal acts in the wilderness.  Though some of the behavior of human beings and apes are alike, but still, ours is more refined and proper.  Aside from the physical appearance, these and our rationality separate us from them.

            Since the existence of the very first group of rational human beings, there had been a system that is followed.  This system is known as culture.  Part of this culture is the development of moral and intellectual ability, norms, values and pattern of living.  With these things, civilization flourished.

            With civilization, the lifestyle of the people became complicated, so as the rules and policies imposed by the society.  These policies were created to inculcate in the mind of each member of that particular group discipline and highly cultivated behavior.  But these policies sometimes cross its limit, but ironically not out of bound, resulting to the deviation of its people from its mandate.  These people say that it violates their rights and it limits their sense of freedom that is why it should be removed.

            But if these policies are removed, there will be no boundaries that will regulate its people that will eventually demean the values that had been cultivated through a long period of time. They will be unchained and do what their hearts desire and gratify their senses.  And starts acting like animals again.  All that matters to them is gratification and liberation.  They never look into the deeper context of the policies that are posted and stopped using their rationality.  They let their instinct, animal instinct to be particular, eat them.

            Are you against the policy?

            Are you going down one step from the hierarchy?

            Evolve or regress?  You decide.

Ako ang Isip Bata

Naiinis ako, sobra!

Wala akong problema sa paghintay ng matagal basta alam kong may hinihintay ako. 05:30 ng umaga, nakatayo, madilim, malamig, inaantok, nag-iisa habang may mabigat na bag sa aking likod dahil sa plano na matulog sa bahay ng isang kaibigan para salubongin ang kanyang kaarawan.  Nagpadala ako ng texts sa mga dapat na kasama ko para malaman nila na nasa lugar na ako ng tagpuan at para malaman ko din kung saan na sila.  Sa kasamaang palad, wala man lang niisa na nag-reply.  Ayan, inis na ako.  Nakakasama lang sa loob na alam na nilang may naghihintay sa kanila, pero parang wala silang pakialam. Kahit isang text message lang upang sa ganun, malaman ko ma lang na may silbi pa ang pagtayo ko dun (walang maupoan, basa sa hamog o ulan ata).  Baka mga walang load, sige, pwede ibaliwala ang inis. Hinga lang. Sound trip. Sige lang pero sabi ng hindi masyadong mabait na ako, alam naman nilang may importateng lakad, sana naman nag-effort na magpaload kahit pantext man lang sa mga kasama.  Pero nangibabaw pa rin si mabait na ako.  Chill lang kahit naiinis.

Nang may dumating na, tawa-tawa lang.  Be civil ba, pwede na ang smile ng naiinis.  Tamang paduda.  Nilabas ang cellphone, nagtext.  Anak ng tinapa, may load naman pala.  Allergic magtext sakin?  I feel so insignificant, unworthy of a text message.  Bad trip na ako.  Sira na ang mood.  May dumating, wala na akong pakialam.  Basta gagawin ko na lang ang dapat kung gawin at para makapunta na kila Mami at i-celebrate ang kanyang birthday!  Dun na lang ako excited.

Wala naman ako karapatang mag-demand.  Volunteer lang ako, sila talaga ang proponents.  Wala naman sakin pumilit.  Wala naman sakin nagsabi na sumama sa halip na magpahinga dahil sa stressful na week na kakatapos pa lang at mga darating pa, piliin ang pagsama sa kanila kesa samahan ang aking BOSS para sa aming 2^nd Monthsary at tulongan na din sa interpretation ng kanilang thesis at gamitin ang natitirang pera dahil delayed pa rin aming sahod.  I sacrificed a lot for them but what did I get, judgment saying na ako ang isip bata, ako ang over sensitive, I isolate myself.  Fuck!  I am pissed off! Big time!  *sniff *sniff.

I isolated myself, yes.  I don’t want to act fine because I am not.  I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want to totally ruin their mood.  Ok lang yung sakin kasi panis na mood ko kanina pa.  Pero hopeful pa rin na mababago ito ng lugar na pupuntahan kasi may dagat daw.  Exciting, marerelax nito ang utak ko.  I am a nymph, a mermaid.  Parang bida lang sa Diary of a Nymphomaniac.

Yun, pagkatapos ng masakit sa pwet na byahe tapos sabayan pa ng mga hindi kaaya-ayang amoy, may nakita akong dagat, YEHEY!

Kumain, nagdata gathering, island hopping with Jade at nakakatuwang pag-aasta reporter ni Yanie.  Ok na.  Medyo wala na yung inis ko.  Tapos hindi ko alam kung off lang talaga humor ko nun at di ako natuwa sa joke nila kay Yanie na tinago ang tsinelas.  Ikaw kaya maglakad sa buhangin at batohan na walang sapin sa paa? Masakit kaya yun.  Hindi yun Boracay na fine ang sand.  Makitid lang ata utak ko.  Ako ang isip bata. Over sensitive ako.  Hindi kasi ako natutuwa sa joke na nakakasakit.  Pikon ako pag may joke inflicting physical pain.

Anyway, chill lang ulit.  Makakapunta na ako sa bahay nila Mami!

Sakay sa jeep, tamang pikit, pahinga ng konti.  Ayun, nagpara na mga kasama.  Barabaan portion.

Natuwa ako, nakita ko si Mami, tapos pumasok kami sa bahay, takbo ako sa sofa! Yes! Nakahiga na din.  Nakakapagod yung data gathering.  Kwento-kwentohan.  Nakikitawa na ako sa kabaliwan ni Yanie!  I won’t spoil Mami’s birthday!  Yun sabi ko sa sarili ko.  Nagsabi na ako na ma-make up kami para salubongin ang Chinese New Year at kanyang birthday.  Naghanap na din ako ng disco ball.  Sige. Kwetohan, tawanan sila.  Sountrip lang ako. Gusto ko magpahinga, matulog para pag-gising ko, wala na init ng ulo ko.

Imagine, all of a sudden, naglabasan para umuwi.  Fuck!  Kami lang daw ni Jade ang sure na matutulog dun.  Iwanan na ere?!  Gusto ko itapon ang lahat ng hawak ko nun.  Kaso nakita ko, cellphone ko pala yun, sayang.  Tapos respeto sa lugar ni Mami.  Naiinis na talaga ako ng bongga.  Sumakit bigla ang ulo.  Biogesic to the rescue.  Naiinis ako.  Naawa kay Mami.  Nagsabi na sya sa parents nya, ok na daw yung handa, umasa ang birthday girl.  Ako ang isip bata.  Ako ang over sensitive.  Ako ang isolated. 

Ayon. May jeep na.  Ang saya nila, makakauwi na.  I’m the first one to ride the jeepney.  I did not kiss goodbye to Mami.  I can’t bear to see the disappointment in her eyes.  Maulan, nag-shades ako.  Where’s the sun?  Nasa ulo ko.  Sa sobrang init gusto ko na umiyak.  Kaso beauty queen ako, grace under pressure.  Bawal umiyak.  Ang umiyak, talo.  Pagdating Polangui, with my headphones on and a little bit of rain, bumaba sa jeep, rampa! Diretso walkout.  I did not dare to look back.

I decided to walkout because I can’t stand their immaturity and insensitivity.  Nakasakay na ako sa bus.  Aircon, mainit na ulo ko, wag na dapat sabayan ng mainit na temperature.  Hinabol ako.  I’m touched in a way.  Tinatawag ata ako or pinapababa.  Ewan.  Hindi ko maintindihan kasi nakaheadset ako.  6 ang volume.  Maximum nya 7, kaya pala pagdating ko Legazpi, medyo bingi-bingi ako.  Kaso, imagine, nagtanong pa via text ng “anyare???”  Anyare your face!  Nagtanong pa!  Manhid lang?  Ako ang isip bata, over sensitive and I isolate myself.  Lumayo na lang ako kasi I don’t want you to feel my wrath.  I exposed my wrath once and it needed the principal to settle the issue.  I’m Jean Grey-Summers a.k.a Dark Phoenix from X-Men.

Sorry for the trash talks but this is a genuine concern for your immaturity.  You get hurt when people say that you are immature.  I do too.  Who wants to get called immature?  None.   You get hurt because you can’t accept that it’s true.  You are hurt when you are reprimanded.  I don’t want you to say sorry.  I want you to grow up.  If growing up will cause us our friendship, I will be the sacrifice lamb.  Seriously, your immaturity concerns me.  I kept my silence regarding the issue because I believe that you can figure it out yourselves, I was wrong.  You're just justifying your immaturity to convince yourselves that you are matured people.  You don't change because you don't see the need to change due to your false thinking.  Sino bang baliw ang nagsabing baliw sila?  I don’t want your potentials get wasted by your immaturity and hardheadedness.  I have never used my seniority in our friendship, but this time, I can’t tolerate it anymore.  You’ll soon to get on tour then, FI.  Eventually, be RSWs.  I don’t think you are ready for that.  You all need to grow up fast.  Fluctuating maturity will do you no good.  I know I am not that matured yet, but I’m struggling to be one.  Maturity requires us to do difficult things.  More often than not, those are the things that we are not that delighted to do.  But that’s just in the transition stage.  You’ll soon get over that.

Respect people.  Respect time.  Most importantly, respect yourself.

Respect people.  Kabastosan sa tao na naghihintay na magpahintay tapos ni wala man lang kayong abiso.  If you care for that person, you would at least inform.  Kung ma-lalate kayo sabihin nyo.  Mahiya man kayo, pangatawanan nyo kasi consequence yan ng actions nyo.

Respect time.  Time management is a fallacy.  You can’t manage time.  Time is an entity of nature that is beyond the control of anyone.  What you need is self-management.  Manage yourself to fit with the demand of time.

Respect yourself.  Basic, need not say more.

I need to write it.  I can’t say it to you in person because I am not so mabait as of the moment.

Ako ang isip bata.  Over sensitive ako.  I isolate myself.