Inspired by the Girl with a Green Scarf
Maybe I am wrong for saying this but I guess it is encrypted in our system as human beings to almost dwell on our id – the force that drives the self to focus on pleasure. Well, it’s my opinion and I have the PLEASURE to express it. We’re in a democratic country, aren't we?
Anyway, I just finished watching Shopaholic. Somehow, I can relate with Rebecca Bloomwood. She has issues with controlling herself when it comes to shopping that leads her to trouble. Well, before the movie ends, an idea of writing something came into my mind because I have issues too. She has problems with shopping and I have problems with loving.
It’s safe to assume that every one of us have issues to deal with, because if not, the social work profession is long gone. Maybe these issues might be as simple as self-esteem problems or as major as having psychosis. The point is, it really affects of role performance and in the long run, it can lead us to a dysfunctional state. So, it should be addressed immediately and the best start on addressing these issues is accepting its existence.
But how can you fight the things that you think can make you happy and contented? Fighting your own urges is like depriving yourself with your own happiness. Don’t you think you’re being too harsh on yourself if you do that? Worse than super high temperature and the dwarf living in a white house, these are the evils that we need to combat everyday. We may not admit it but we know it ourselves that it is hard and more often than not, we chose to just indulge ourselves with what our id wants.
As to my case, for almost four years now, I have been too caught up with my love issues that made me forget other things that are more important than loving him. When I started with college, I was on top of our class, but I barely made it to college. I guess love is not for me because when I do, logic leaves me and that makes emotions be the driving force behind my actions. Letting it impair my better judgment.
I’m writing this not because I am bitter that it didn’t work out between the two of us. I’m writing this because I have to accept that if I want things to work out, I should not be too egocentric and stopped watching too many romantic movies. It’s time to take responsibility for my own actions, end my dreams of having a life like in the romantic movies I’ve seen and stop blaming him. He may be insensitive but I have been more insensitive to him. He may be unfair but have I been fair to him? I don’t know. I’ll leave the answer to him.
For all the quarrels that we had, I thought love was the issue but pondering on what he said on the last fight that we had and the last time that I heard from him, it’s the my immaturity. The problem was not the absence of care or love. The problem was me. As hurtful as it is, I accept that accusation.
Life is not always pretty but though it can’t always look so, it should not stop you to still appreciate the beauty behind all these ugliness. I guess he’s right, I over did things. When you do things in excess, the excess goes to waste. Now, I am paying the price of paying too much attention on his imperfections that made everything ugly. I cant’ blame him for not wanting to have any communication with him, I respect that.
Addicts have rehabs but The Louieholic has regrets. Not that I regret loving him. How could I regret loving the person who made the last four years of life an amazing journey of emotional roller coaster and a test of limits and maturity? The thing that I regret is failing the test of maturity.
